Boundaries

So I have been having some severe issues with a couple of family members. There is nothing like having a conversation that is so inaccurate and hurtful. I have figured out with the help of a couple of friends talking out this problem that I have some messed up boundaries. I am a people pleaser so much that sometimes I let people dictate what I say and do to prevent nasty conversations like the 2 I had last week...even though I felt 100% right about my own decisions.
It's true I have toxic people in my life and I don't handle it well. So one of my friends gave me this great article on how to deal with toxic people..I have put my favorite tips on here to hopefully help anyone else out who may have to deal with this..including a quiz to let you know if you are a person in need of boundaries.

Seek safety in numbers: If you know that a certain friend/family member tends to infect you with their negative moods, plan a group activity so you will be surrounded with others as well. Or arrange to do something...play a game, go to a movie, go shopping, rather than sitting around talking.

Visualize a wall: When toxic emotions are heading your way and you can't exit the scene or do anything to stop them, imagine that there is a shield or wall around you. You'll still hear what the other person is saying, but the emotions behind what they are saying won't get under your skin.(we'll see about that.)

"Let's talk about solutions": If your friend/family member starts complaining, say you want to help but that it makes you feel frustrated to constantly hear all the negative. Then offer to swing the problemsolving mode to them-it's best to say,"that's too bad, but what are you going to do about it?"This sends a message that it's their problem and you're not going to take responsibility for it.

"Tell me why this is so important to you": This question often silences boundary pushers on the spot(or at least causes them to stop and reflect)allowing you to take back a sense of control.

ideas to focus on:
It's probably not you. (I don't know why but I need to hear that.)When you get upset it's easy to think it's your fault and that your to sensitive. But if you feel uncomfortable with someone you need to trust your intuition.
Don't make someone else's problem your own. Try to distance yourself mentally from a negative person.
You can handle this: Take a deep breath, then silently repeat"I'm not riding their emotional rollercoaster" You'll remind yourself that you're fully capable of protecting your boundaries without making your friend feel emotionally abandoned.

Quiz:
I have trouble saying no to people.

I consistently feel tired after being with negative people.

My mood changes significantly depending on the person I'm with.

I often feel flooded with bad feelings when hearing about other's misfortunes.

When I'm with others, my entire focus is on them, rather than me and them.

I actively avoid people I should deal with-at work, for instance-because I'm afraid of how I'll feel.

If you checked one or two not to worry. More than half...you are highly sensitive. So put yourself mostly first. you may need to learn to come to your own emotional rescue before other people's moods engulf you.

I think it's important that no matter what..you can be there for people but not to the point that you suffer. I think it's important to have boundaries...the trick for me is to find where those boundaries are, not to be selfish, but not to be so drained that I'm draining to my husband and friends. I'm currently reading Boundaries and doing the workbook...I'll let you know if it helps.

Hope this helps somebody else.